Strange Dreams

I love to take naps. Naps are amazing. Get out of class, eat good lunch- made by my nephew Nicholas- and then a nap.

Naps during the day sometimes give you the most vivid dreams. The textures, the colors- conversations you can remember.

You see- the disorientation causes by sleeping mid day- the light- or darkening world outside. The strange time- odd noises in the house.

I dreamt of my dad. He was there, again. Working. He's always working. And hard at that. His big smile, big gentle laugh.

I know he died- but he's still my father. His mark on my like is indelible. His joy, his persistence, his love for me and my family.

---
And the Lord God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever." (Genesis 3:22 NIV)
---
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25, 26 NIV)
---

There are many things I don't understand about God. So many concepts I struggle with. There was a second part to my dream. I won't go too much into it- but relationships don't exactly last.

We inflict so much pain upon ourselves. And then we struggle with that pain. That first verse was in my reading today. 'The Fall' of man into sin. One of the focal points of all of history.

Why is it... that we can sin? Why is there suffering? I know in my life I have made many mistakes. Some worse than others and some of the hurts haunt me even now. My heartaches with regret, loss. I would undo, go back- maybe somehow change. And yet God pushes us forward. Pushes me forward, no redoes, no going back. I always read that verse, the first one.,, it makes me upset with God, Adam, Eve. Why?

God seems so... heartless. So hard, so cold. I never understood it. I could never... connect the dots. From the God of John 3:16 who "So loved the world..." to the one who kicked him out of the garden. The one whose 'wrath' destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.

I'm not sure I have it all clear even as yet; but I think I may have a... clue.

Since my father's death; the story of Lazarus resonates in my heart. The first time I heard in a sermon, I wept for hours. How could a God that claims to love me take the best, most kind, most needed, man I know. My father, so generous, so loving, so intelligent, gentle. I could go on. And yet, my dad died. God let him die.

---
Jesus wept. (John 11:35 NIV)
---

God wept for Lazarus, his friend. He wept for my father. He wept for us. That's the thing. He pushes us forward, because we have become 'like him.' We weep, suffer, feel emotion. We also love. We can bring joy. Pain. We know good, and evil.

It is like a child born into the world, leaving the safety of the womb- to fully participate- it must endure life. We must endure that life as well.

I think in a sense- we all choose to know. I know in Adam's place I would want... to be like God; as odd as that sounds. God... Knew that. There are plenty of verses essentially saying God was ready with Jesus from the beginning. The Old Testament is full of foreshadowing prophecies of Jesus.

From the beginning- we as humanity were created in God's image. And we were given a choice. Good or Evil. We're given an opportunity to live out those- all of us.

It is as Jesus said about Lazarus.
---
So then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." (John 11:14, 15 NIV)
---

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

A Year

A lot happens in a year. Things ended, other things started. Around this time, last year, I found myself in a bad spot.

So many things... I quite literally bottomed out. I found myself in a dark place. Scared. Alone. Hurt.

I felt as if... nothing was real. No promises could be kept. Nothing to really live for. The grand image of life I had as a child had really died. My biggest fears had all... come true.

I remember a night... God- it all sounds so melodramatic now- I remember a night I could have just... died. In a sense.. I did die.

I remember a point at which I surrendered. I prayed. No one else was listening. Yet somehow- God heard me. I knew I was useless- and He told me He loved me anyways. He loved me, especially then... offering nothing- only my tears, my misery. He took me then like my father did when I was sick, and carried me.

Sins are forgiven. Healing can happen. Sometimes it takes time. Some hurts might feel like they may never go away. But God loves me.

He loves you too; the little child, lost in a big and scary world.

So many things, this last year. So many things to look forward to. God bless you, really. May you find what I found, in God. In Jesus. Happy belated New Year.

Dating, Jesus, and e-Harmony

I feel like such like such a creeper.

Wow, I'm try to do accounting prep, and there are a couple of girls next to me. Dating, Jesus, and e-Harmony. This girl wants to date a young doctor, no kids, in good shape... He has to be a good Christian; cause the Bible wants us to be equally yoked- ya know? No older than 32; no taller than 6'... But no shorter than 5' 9". All the other guys didn't worship her enough... Haha

"Maybe Jesus knew that this technology was going to be around when I was ready... Maybe he wants to let me know.... Using my email box?" --- when I go to church; all the guys are... Weird. You know?"

Dating. Fun. Anyone miss the days of arranged marriages ;-)

"You know how in the Bible it says you should enjoy the time your single... How your supposed to use all that extra time and energy for God? I don't think that's right.. Now that I have --insert boyfriend's name-- it's like I don't have to worry about that now, like it was taking up all my time."

"I know right!?"

"Yeah, it's like I can stop stressing now..."

Two minutes later "And I guess the new season of the bachelorette is starting... So I'm totally going to get ready for that."

How much of our time... is wasted... How silly we seem. Lately I've been experiencing some unnecessary angst. I think I need to learn to relax...

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

Peace out. ;-) and be beautiful.

Do you want a Bandage?

Well... The holiday season is officially in full swing. For me, the Holidays start with my birthday, then Halloween, Thanks Giving. Every holiday season, my family takes a trip... Rents a cabin up in some mountains and invites some of our closer friends. Erik throws a big musicians party. We have a huge Thanksgiving feast. Christmas.

It's fun. Packed with friends and family, kind of makes the rest of the year seem slow; and by the time New Years comes around, I'm read for a break. A little quiet, solitude.

Work is crazy, I am busy... Not to mention on top of everything, teachers refuse to let up on homework. Even now, I have an exam coming right up in accounting. The day after Halloween.

This morning, I woke up... And as usual I got ready as quickly as I could to grab my first cup of coffee at Starbucks. There was fog in the air. Fog on my breath. Quiet. I noticed the neighbors (The Wellers,) had moved out most of their stuff. They have removed all the blinds; all of the windows are covered with newspapers. Have they decided to move out?

I watched my sister on Dr. Phil yesterday. It's was weird. She did great... Ugh. I hate that show, and shows like his. Take a minute to read what Wikipedia (my official information source. ;-) ) has to say about him. It blows me away how much this dude makes. He is so full of it, it is incredible...

If you want to waste an hour of your life, or just want to watch my beautiful sister on TV, feel free- otherwise let me sum it up for you. Of the 45 minutes of the show; 43 minutes were spent 'telling the story.' One was of that murderous lady in (Linda Ann Weston) who was using handicapped people for social security fraud, and the other was about my neighbors. He showed images, interviewed family members, police officers, my sister.

There were a couple of dudes from the Philadelphia case, a son of the lady, and he brother. After interviewing them, building up the story, he spent like a minute and a half... Counseling them. He did the same the with my sister... Thirty seconds. It felt demeaning, as a viewer. He actually.... Mumbled advice to people he didn't know... To victims of crimes, and witnesses of abuse.

The advice was.... Vaguely applicable; but in such poor taste, it was upsetting.

It's funny... Ironic... I felt like Dr. Phil... Actually profited off of the poor victims of both cases. Like... He was excited... A vampire. Fitting the show would be... Aired on Halloween.

I look back on my perfect little family.... Full of excitement and life... We all love each other, blessed. I see the horrors of the world around me. Then I see the horrors of the people profiting off of those horrors. This was my reading today:

Therefore let us move beyond the elementary teachings about Christ and be taken forward to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, instruction about cleansing rites, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And God permitting, we will do so. (Hebrews 6:1-3 NIV)

Reread that... Slowly.

What is the next step?

I'll be thinking on that...

Dr. Phil: House of Horrors

My sister; Yelena- will be on the show today.

Here a link to the show: Dr. Phil House of Horrors.

This is regarding my
Neighbors.

Build and Settle

Our history tells us much.

Sometimes it's hard to look forward when your history is dragging you back, holding you down. It's hard to know when you should struggle, or when you should give up. It's as if we are held captive.

Should we plan escape?

Today, I was reading in Jeremiah. The Doomsday prophet of his time. He prophesied that the people of Judah would be taken off into captivity. And they were- because of their sins, their unbelief, their idolatry. A proud people, who were once in control- now in exile. Oppressed. Humbled.

The story of the Jewish people begins with Abraham being told to leave the land of the Chaldean... To walk away, in faith, with the hope that God gave him, the promise of greater things. Abraham gave birth to Isaac, who then gave birth to Jacob, whose 12 sons went to Egypt. Egypt was a land in which they grew up... but then they were enslaved there too. Moses saved them out of that land, and brought them back to the land God promised.

Joshua told to stand, to fight, to move forward, to conquer the land.

Yet by the time Jeremiah 27 was written- the story had again gone full circle.
They were sent into exile, to the land of the Chaldeans; Babylon. It is there, they are told to bow their necks to the Babylonian kings.

They are at the beginning.

Perhaps this is the work God is doing into your life. Perhaps everything is ruined, and now you... Could begin afresh. Look at your history. At your past. I get a sense... that God will accomplish his Will; regardless of our level of willingness. Our free will comes into play when we have the ability to look at what it is He is doing and join in. And when we have gone off, tried to do up own thing, and are brought back to the beginning, to accept it. Live with it. Change within ourselves, and look forward.

This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." (Jeremiah 29:4-7 NIV)

Build on the world you find yourself in. Look for contentment today. Build those up- that you find yourself with. Submit to the authority you have over you. Love them, and try to make the community you find yourself in better.

Yes, this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: "Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them," declares the Lord.

Don't kid yourself with quick fixes to change your life... and quickly. Don't go nuts, trying to scheme and figure things out for your self. Look to God, without putting words in His mouth. Slow and stead. 'Build houses, settle down.'

This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." (Jeremiah 29:8-14 NIV)

Love your Neighbors

We've recently had some... activity in my neighborhood. I'm upset. The neighbor in the house across the street from my has recently been arrested (and let loose on bail) for abusing their kids. Their adopted kids. Mind you- this case has yet to go to court; but... Here let me post some of the articles:

The Columbian
Oregonian
KATU
Koin

It's even gone on MSNBC

As you might have noted in the articles; the authorities have been called in by the neighbors on numerous occasions. The authorities would show up, 'investigate' and do nothing. One incident the officer told my sister: "If you don't actually see abuse, we can't do anything."

This situation is nothing short of horrific.

If you've read my blog; you'll know that I supposedly 'care' about things like this. And to be fair, I've called the police a couple of times; but I can't shake the feeling like I could have done more. As this drama has been unfolding in the last few days, I've talked to my mother about it; and there have been a few things that we've noted.

Love.

We knew something was wrong; but we were afraid to get more involved. Calling the cops isn't involvement. Obviously it's not doing enough; since 6 years neighbors calling did nothing. If I could redo this situation... I think that perhaps getting to know the kids better would be the thing I would have to do. Once- the girl ran away to a neighbors house. The neighbor should have been us.

The kids snuck into our house to steal food... We should have been... Aware they were hungry. Offered them food.

Jesus talks about compassion. Jesus talks about love. He talks about all of these things... And somehow... We totally missed our opportunity.

I wrote that blog post "I am sooo hungry." The scary thing is, I didn't have to go to Somalia to find starving kids. They were living across the street. Across the street!

Friends... We can't be blind. We can't be deaf. Let's open our eyes. Let's open our hearts. Let's open our selves to loving our neighbors... because they need it. Really... This IS the whole of our beliefs. Here's a verse:

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

I was blind, lazy... I was responsible... And I didn't not see the who were hungry, we were thirsty... In need of protection. I had more I could do... I'm sure. Don't follow my lead. Do more. Look for things to do... Because you could be the difference between hell on earth, and salvation for someone.

I'll be following the court developments... I'll also be praying.

Writing Styles

Recently my sister was making fun of my writing style.

She said: 'At first, you begin by simply listing thoughts- and then sometimes- it seems like you are pointing towards
some focus off in the distance. After reading some of your posts; I feel like I have to read it again; just to see if it actually made sense to me."

Thanks love. Haha; That made me feel better.

Spring in October

Summer is over- and normal life has resumed. Classes, homework, exam... I just turned 26 last Friday. (10/07/85)

As you can see... I've been trying to make sense of life in the last few months. I have tried new things, I've spent a lot of time in the Word... I've met new people, and begun reconnecting with old friends. Life is slowly pressing on.

I've begun a savings account- and managed to actually stash away some money. I just purchased the new iPhone 4s; ordered anyways. I've had a chance to help my family members out. I had a chance to counsel people through times of difficulty.

I even tried... spreading the Gospel... And for what ever reason they responded. I find myself in a very strange place now.

I find myself continually blessed. It's a strange thought, but I believe I've had a fairly good year. All little things, little touches, little 'gifts.'

I look back... A couple of years. It's been a very interesting journey- from place where I thought I was awesome and I deserved the things I had, a place where I had earned everything with my own hands... To as low as I've ever been. Some of my worst fears came true- in a sense.

I felt alone.

Empty. Worthless. Lost.

It's funny, because God didn't dissuade me from those thoughts; because in a sense they were true. Yet; He did something else, He gave me a different sort of meaning. I no longer have to live in fear of the old things that once caused me to fear. I no longer have to worry about the... quality of relationships. I don't have to be afraid of loneliness, of betrayal.

I no longer have to fear being insignificant.

It's a very strange thought.

I have a sense of peace. I've watched God rebuild my life. I've seen Him take my... dirty rags... my meager offerings- and make them precious.

Shoot- this blog is an example of it. My writing is mediocre at best; yet... I have literally had thousands of people form more countries than I can name visit it. I've had relationships flourish lately. I am successful at work. My grade in college have... great for me. I get random job offers while working.

It's as if I have entered a flowering period in my life. A strange spring. I look forward to tomorrow. I'll see you there. ;-)

The following... was a great passage; for me.
---- Isaiah 58---
Isaiah 58

True Fasting

1 “Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.
2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.
3 ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?’
“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.
4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?

6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

13 “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

People are like Trees

Here's am interesting thought I came upon today. I have been pondering the nature of the heart, of love, of relationships quite a bit this year. I used to think that... it was a simple thing. You have relationships and... Well... They grow. You must feed, water them. It's all very simple, right.

And in a sense it is.

Today, I watched a couple. Cold. I know this, because I have an outside source. They are dissatisfied with each other. They talked, they even smiled at each other. It was strange to watch, because I'm not sure but one of them seemed a bit blind to the whole thing. It was almost painful in a way, having been there myself.

Something... Reminded me of this story about Jesus healing a blind man:

They came to Bethsaida, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, "Do you see anything?" He looked up and said, "I see people; they look like trees walking around." Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. (Mark 8:22-25 NIV)

People looked like trees? Did Jesus make a mistake? What? Why would people look like trees? This reminded me of another place where people are described as people-trees. It's in one of my favorite Psalms:

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish. (Psalm 1:1-6 KJV)

We are described as trees, and the good ones are like those planted by rivers of water. Ok. Great. Where is this going. Well... Take the analogy a step further and to the side. Adam's side:

The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:23, 24 NIV)

In a relationship people are grafted into each other, they fuse, an become one flesh. To begin with, they must be compatible. You can't graft and Orange branch into a cedar; although you could probably get away with putting it onto a lime tree. It must be done at the right season, typically in the cold of winter. It must be done with care, and forethought.

What happens when a relationship fails? Or rots. If a tree is healthy... It will survive. If it isn't... Well... I think this is why broken relationships are so difficult to deal with. Have you ever seen a tree that lost a large branch? Often, that is where a tree begins to rot. It is a place where disease can easily enter, and yet sometimes the tree can insulate it.

Just some thoughts.